Day 2 of a Month of Gratitude

I couldn’t sleep last night. I received an official email from my employer stating that for the month of April (it is April already, isn’t it?) we wouldn’t be getting paid because of the extended 30 days of store closures. Being in the retail industry, just like the restaurant industry, the impact is extraordinarily huge during this pandemic. I am sure that far too many businesses and sectors are affected by this and that I’m not alone. As often happens when fear gets a hold of us, our minds go to the worst case scenarios. What if I can’t afford to stay in my current luxurious apartment? And if so, where would I move to? But what if I can’t replace my income for a few months or even a year or more? And what about my health insurance? Oy vey…

I am certain the years of my meditation has allowed me to instill the practice of being more mindful, calm, and centered even in times of crisis like this one. The past 18 days without working (as well without pay and in isolation) added to the new bleak normalcy of another 30 days of the same damn life. This is beyond challenging, especially since just yesterday I vowed to live for the next 30 days with gratitude! I started to cry in bed and I was actually surprised by my tears because I’m not a cryer. I cry more when things move me and when I’m extremely frustrated. I guess I’m frustrated. You think? My mind wondered…when was the last time I cried in bed…in the dark? I remembered exactly when. It was on May 11, 2012 when I landed in Istanbul and slept at a small hotel called the Ada Hotel. It was my very first solo trip. The events that happened from the time I showed up at O’Hare airport up until my head rested on the pillow that first night were nothing less than spectacular. I wrote about this 8 years ago on this blog and I remember that feeling so clearly and vividly now. I felt so high, so fulfilled, so full of awe that I started to cry from ecstasy if I want to call it that. I don’t know if that’s the right word, though. How does one express extreme, delights of emotion that are indescribable and never felt before? As I laid there in the dark that night in Istanbul, I thought about what I was feeling and continued to think of words to convey the feelings upon returning home to excitedly share with friends. The only words I could think of then that adequately and most closely described my emotions were… I was Kissed by God. As I started to cry last night at these feelings of true AWE, I felt moved beyond words. Again.

Wow. Just like that (snap fingers) I went from one extreme of emotions to the other last night in bed. Just as quickly my life and many other’s lives changed and will continue to change from this pandemic, so, too, can our future. Yes, this change in reality truly is disheartening for me and for most of the world. But instead of focusing on what IS, I can choose to focus on improving my skills as well as my mindset for the next opportunity. I have absolutely no idea where my life and career will lead me. Maybe in May everything will be back to normal. But the thing is, I have never liked “normal.” Without a doubt there will be tough times ahead but I, along with countless others, will become better human beings since we are forced to change, adapt, and reevaluate the meaning of our lives. Honestly, I’m not thinking this to be positive. I’m thinking this because I’m excited to discover who I will BECOME, and for this I am grateful. 🙏

About Blogatrixx

I took a solo trip to Turkey that changed me. Wanderlust was ignited as well as a passion for photography. I want to keep traveling and discovering our world.
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